A couple of nights ago, I made a fear based decision that I’m not proud of.

I was supposed to do something, which I then decided against.  I procrastinated in taking action.

And when I looked at it deeper, the excuses I was making from taking action stemmed mostly from an internal fear that was taken out of context, embellished by deeper insecurities.

The fear completely paralysed me. I spent about 3 hours going around in circles.

“Yes, I should do it. No I shouldn’t. Maybe. Maybe not. But if I did this, xyz could happen.  And if I don’t…”

(and no I didn’t kill anybody. Yet.)

My GF finally helped me through my anguish by sitting down with me and coaching me through it for about 2 hours (yes she’s that awesome!) But I must say my final decision (as ‘rational’ as it was at the time) was stemming mostly from fear.

I knew that sooner or later I would have to face this fear. I can’t escape or hide from it forever.  But I kept procrastinating the action. It actually made me feel like a coward, because I essentially was escaping from a situation instead of facing it heads on.

And as I write this, I pretty much HAVE to face the situation in less than 24 hours.   And by delaying the situation, I also put myself into some loss in monetary gains.  Plus all the ‘productive’ things I said I would to make up for this… I haven’t exactly done.

So I wanted to learn something from this.

We are all guilty of procrastinating, not taking action and dealing with our fears, the process may be simplified if we truly understand it so that we can overcome it and make better decisions and take immediate action.

Over the past day I sat down for a bit to think about this more and to analyse the reasons people delay their actions, or have indecision over a situation, when it comes to fear.

In the end, I pinpointed it down to 3 separate factors that contribute to procrastination/indecision stemming from fear.

The 3 areas I divided them into for the sake of simplicity (or not so simplicity) are internal/emotional, external and self perceptional. They are as follows:

1. Fear of Failure / Rejection (internal/emotional)
2. Identity Crisis / Outcome Dependency (external)
3. Fear Itself (self perceptional)

Important Note: They are NOT mutually exclusive nor collectively exhaustive in dealing with procrastination.

There’s the obvious lack in ability to organise, or deciding whether a situation is even worthwhile doing in the first place, etc.  I simply want to delve into aspects related to Fears which in turn lead to paralysis.

As I delved into each over the past day or two, and wrote this post, it’s helped me gain a better understanding of myself and also of the reasons why I procrastinate an action or decision.   So here’s my breakdown:

1. Fear of Failure / Rejection (internal/emotional)

Fear of failure is something many of us face. It inevitably leads to procrastination and NOT getting things done.

They say ’successful people are not afraid to fail’ but I think actually, modern day ’success’ mindsets are actually responsible for leading to fear of failure to a larger degree.

The reason for this is because in the process of setting success goals, you are setting high expectations for yourself. Especially if you have a proven track record.  In my case above, the problem is that I was going to do something that I was considered very good at, and I didn’t want to jeopardize that image when I found out that what I had to do may potentially reveal my weaknesses.  There you go. I’ve spilled my heart out.

In the same way, if you’re well known in certain circuits, you can relate to the feeling of pressure to perform.  People have expectations of you.  That builds tension. You must perform.

We see it happen to Hollywood celebs like Amy Winehouse, Britney, and of course my favorite band, The Backstreet Boys.  I love those losers.  But they are only human after all… :p

But Fear of Failure in my opinion, is just the tip of the iceberg.  I think the reason most people fear failure steps from the fear of rejection.

Fear of rejection affects many of us in all areas of life: relationships, career, hobbies, etc.   It makes us procrastinate from taking action.  It also leads to many missed opportunities.  Whether it be wanting to approach that girl you really fancy and ask her on a date, or applying for jobs that you want but don’t feel you deserve.

So how do you overcome the fear of rejection?

My friend Tim Ferriss wrote this in his recent New York Times Bestseller, The 4 Hour Workweek :

“If you chase your dreams and fall flat on your face, worst-case scenario, how long will it take you to recover? The answer is probably less than you expect. How hard would it really be to find another job? Chances are you could recover completely in a few months. Is the fear of a few rough months strong enough to keep you in a mediocre situation indefinitely?”

Great book btw, if you haven’t read it yet…

The fears of rejection IMO stems from an anchor of rejection to pain. It may be an association of negative emotions to rejection from past experience or negative criticism.

The good news is this: by first realising that you do have such anchors and secondly by ‘rewiring’ your associations to be NOT afraid of pain, you won’t be afraid of rejection.

And the only 2 ways to do this, is by (1) truly believing that pain doesn’t last and (2) by forced repetition.

Pain only lasts for a moment.  It’s a passing feeling.  In the same regard, if I were to ask you to replicate a painful emotion you felt 5 years ago, you probably can’t.  Or if I try to get you to remember the smell of cinnamon.  You probably can’t do it.  Because pain is like smell.  Stinky poo stinks while its there (not that I recommend you smell stinky poo to replicate the feeling… ok bad analogy, let’s drop that… NOW)

Keep this in mind (not stinky poo but how pain transcends) is the first step to overcome your fear of failure and rejection.

Finally, repetition of facing your fears, or what others call ‘getting out of your comfort zone’ is key.

I remember the first time I had to hang off a 1st storey building as a boy scout (in hindsight that was retarded).  My hands were shaking, sweating and my legs trembled as I dangled.  But I persisted with it.  I did it every day.  Soon, I was trying it with one hand, then I’d move up to the 2nd storey.  Yeah I was nuts….I don’t recommend it!

The point I’m making is, get out of your comfort zone.  Like a flowing river requires a current, you have to take action to create a current to drive yourself in a certain direction.  And no one is going to create that current for you but yourself.

Fear of Outcome (external)

Fear of Outcome is an external manifestation translated from internal conflict.   What do I mean?  Fear of outcome arises from a mismatch in internal values, such as self perception and emotional investments.

If you are very indecisive, you are either paralysed by too much choice or because you are too emotionally invested into the outcome. In turn, this leads to analysis paralysis and indecision.  Often this is because you value the outcome too much, in turn make lots of plans which are just an excuse to delay the inevitable outcome.

Let me share a simple quote I read a while back from Earl Nightingale, who is one of my favorite motivational speakers.

He said, to deal with any situation you think of that troubles you, simply ask yourself,

‘What is the worst case scenario?’ – Earl Nightingale

It sounds simple, but shouldn’t you think ‘best case scenario’ you may ask?  Asking worst case scenario certainly seems a bit pessimistic.

But since embracing it, it has had major implications for me and my life. It allowed me to quit a job I wasn’t fully satisfied with despite all the kinks and potential outcomes I could face from leaving the rat race, and to live life on my own terms.  I’m still alive (so far anyway!) so that says alot, as I truly was so afraid that I would not last or survive without sticking around in the NHS.  LOL, what a bunch of BS.

The same principles have also allowed me to get things I have wanted but would have never previously done because I was too concerned of the outcomes. That includes writing this blog! In a million years I would have never thought of writing a public journal.   I mean, anyone can read this blog.  You could be my friend, family, a stranger, a leecher, a gossiper, or worse, an EX… (I have no enemies.. just love for all) :p

But as Susan Jeffers wrote, “Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway”

So think and ask yourself:  what is the worst that could happen?

And since the worst usually rarely happens anyway, your fear of outcome is usually not warranted.

It may also be worthwhile to consider burning your boats.

And I said burn your BOATS,  not burn your BRIDGES!

It took me a while to differentiate the 2.  It’s my own translation anyway. I truly believe in keeping your bridges open even when burning your boats.

What do I mean?

For example while I quit my full time job, I made sure that I had things in place to fall back on as a backup plan.  I always have an exit strategy in mind. This is what I mean by keeping your bridges open.

Burning your boats on the other hand, does simplify your options.  As the ancient Greeks did as they travelled across the seas to battle. With no way back home besides victory or utter failure, you have no choice but to move forwards.  This forces you to stick to your deadlines no matter what once you’ve made a decision.

Fear Itself (self perceptional)

“Only Thing we have to Fear is Fear Itself”- FDR First Inaugural Speech

I know. We’ve all heard FDR’s wise and cheesy words. But it may be wiser than you think.

The emotional basis of fear itself is what paralyses people the most.  And I believe it stems from self perception and a mismatch of their ego and id.

What am I talking about?

Well, fear itself is an irrational fear. We’ve established that much.  So how you perceive what you should fear plays a big role in determining your actions.  Especially if you have a mismatch in who you are and how you want to be perceived.

When I was a student, I had alot of emotional conflict with fear itself. I actually managed to maintain a reputation as a bit of a procrastinator.  It was great at first when I would come in the top 10 of the class without seeming to have done any work.  But overtime, I started living that identity because I believed it was how I was perceived and I wanted to match it to avoid an identity crisis.

‘Not knowing’ to me was associated to be a very bad thing. I was a self proclaimed ‘perfectionist’. I wanted to be the ‘know it all’ (not that I ever did the work in the first few years to warrant this!) So I would feel that I should not turn up to a teaching session until they I have learned every nugget of information to impress my consultants and colleagues from start to finish.

Lame, I know.  This happened for at least the first few years.  Thankfully all changed towards the end.

So here’s what happens.  I don’t go to teaching because I convince myself that it’s better I turn up only when I know everything.  That I’ll spend the time to do the reading instead to catch up.

The problem is, I never do the reading.

What starts as a self rationalisation turns into an emotional anchor that creates a vicious cycle extremely hard to break. I probably shouldn’t say this, but I once skipped a whole month of teaching to travel around Europe.  I then turned up at the first teaching session in that particular subject at the last session.  It was compulsory.  Turned out it was a grilling session.

The consultant asked me to draw a diagram of the brain stem and cerebellum.

I drew her a picture of a person’s head with a big arrow pointing to the back of it.

I will leave the rest to your imagination.

Thankfully that was enough embarassment to spiral me forwards… in some way.

Embarassment is an interesting subject.  I realised that facing your fear head on can actually LEVEL out your mismatch in self perception.  Which allows you to truly gauge where you ‘are at’ and take action.  It’s a great way to gain some self realism.

In fact I am THANKFUL for her public humiliation.  It was what I needed.  It spiraled me since that event to turn up to every single teaching session after that (and more).  I ended up in the top 50 of the year (from probably the bottom 5…) in that subject by the time we had the real exams.

And I guess the real prove is that I made it through med school.

But… where’s the brainstem again? Umm..

Jokes aside, the point I am making is we often perceive ourselves very differently from how others truly perceive us. We build up a certain ’self image’ in our heads. And of course, that also differs from who we really are. For many of us, this means a mismatch between your ego, of who you perceive you are, and your ‘id’, ie who you really are.

This mismatch along with certain expectations mean that we live by certain expectations.  Which in turn leads to insecurities we feel.

Whenever an actionable decision threatens the expectations or perception of our image, it can lead to fear. Which in turn leads to paralysis of action and procrastinating from taking action.

The question to ask is therefore:

Is my self perception really a reflection of who I am?
Why does the opinion of others on you matter so much to you?

The point is, that it doesn’t matter.  Stop worrying what others think of you. Work on yourself to achieve your outcome, and try to be realistic with where ‘you are at’ to level out the mismatch in self perception.  Nuture and develop that self esteem of yours so that you’re comfortable in your own skin and abilities without overinflating it or creating a false self image to live by.

My Conclusions

As Emerson once said, “life is a series of experiments.”

The more errors and mistakes and failures you make the better. Each failure is a trial in an experiment and an opportunity for growth.

Learning from your failures is a POSITIVE thing. Re-program to think that way. Don’t agonise over it, but notice the elements of what worked, what didn’t work, etc. so that you can do it better.

Ifyou see a reward / higher value in taking action, you must be willing to take RISKS (but balance your risk and calculate it appropriately).

BELIEVE in your own self. Stop worrying so much about the opinion of other people. YOU control how you think and feel. No one else.

Take ACTION.  Always be in MOTION.  I would have never written this post if I sat and analysed whether I should do it or not.  I just did it. BELIEVE that the outcome would be worthwhile in cost and opportunity to your future success in some way.

Repetition is key.  Just do it.

This is the way how successful and unsuccessful people differ. The former look at mistakes as a process, while the latter look at  failure permanently, personally and emotionally.

Well… I’ve spent ages writing this, so I hope you’ve learned something from this post.  Now I have better things to do.  Actions to take.  Food to eat.  People to impress. etc.

I would love to hear your comments and thoughts!  What do you think of this post?  What are your own experiences with procrastination and overcoming it from the viewpoint of fear?

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